Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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