hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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