I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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