I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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