she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
