I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
