well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
