Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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