If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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