and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
