ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
