I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
