I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
