Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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