I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
