my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
