In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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