My sheets look like a crime scene.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
