from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
