You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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