It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
