Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
