didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Enjoy the penises
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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