Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
