i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
