I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My vagina is officially offended.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
