yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think my fart just growled at me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
