It's Friday. Sex?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
