1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
