Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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