R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
