So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
