the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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