then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
