Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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