Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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