i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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