Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Two words: blizzard sex
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
