just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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