last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
