We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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