So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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