So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
