i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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