just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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