I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
