I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize