you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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