I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
