I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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