I think I am morally bankrupt
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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