I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
