Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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