I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
