I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
