captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
