Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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