my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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