Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
