Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
