I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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